Tag Archive: Anxiety


Depression

Okay, people, let’s talk about Twilight. I know, I know, the only people that like twilight are messed up teenage girls, but hang with me for a moment.

There are a lot of people who spend a lot of time ridiculing the part in New Moon where Bella sits around and does nothing because Edward left. Yeah, people LOGICALLY shouldn’t be that hung up over a dude leaving you, but when do teenage girls act logically?

The thing about depression is that it doesn’t make sense, not chronic depression. I’ve been there. I had absolutely everything I needed to be happy, but I wasn’t. So what if the cause happened to be a medication on, people’s bodies sometimes get messed up.

I sat around for months knitting and watching television. I would wake up every morning and lay in bed for a few hours because I had absolutely no motivation to get up. I’d go to my classes sometimes and then I’d go back home and do absolutely nothing productive for the rest of the day. So maybe I wasn’t staring out the window for nine months, but I was staring at a screen for a few. I don’t even remember what happened during, like five seasons of Supernatural.

These days people are all into mental illness awareness, which is great, but the majority of people are still totally judging others because of the more extreme effects of mental illnesses. People can understand if I walk around without putting much effort into things, but they can’t understand that I could lay in my bed for six or seven hours without sleeping or doing anything.

People could understand if I’m nervous about going to a loud, crowded party, or talking in front of a large group of people, but I highly doubt they’d be very understanding if they were there when I woke up screaming in the middle of the night because my mind set me on panic mode for no reason at all.

You can’t pick and choose which mental illnesses or behaviors of those who are ill you are going to accept. You can’t reject people for doing extreme, unusual things and then say that you accept them with or without their illness. It doesn’t work like that.

As far as Bella is concerned; yeah, she falls in love with Edward because he was forbidden and dangerous. She then falls in love with Jacob because he pulled her out of the dark place that she was in; a place that EDWARD put her in. There’s obviously going to be conflict there.

You can hate Twilight, just be careful you aren’t hating on something that is pitiable in real life.

Anyway, rant…

Pain

Every time I tell my mother that I have a pain somewhere, she always responds by telling me where she has a pain. If this has ever happened to you, then you’ll know that is infinitely infuriating. If you go to your mother with your pain, you’re probably expecting her to do something about it. You’re expecting her to use her magic Mom powers to fix the situation. This happened a few months ago between my cousin and her mother. My cousin was very unhappy with the unhelpful response she got, telling her mother that “the pain in your shoulder doesn’t make my foot hurt any less”.

This is an interesting concept. The pain of others doesn’t have an affect on your pain. Only it does.

Sometimes when people are pain, they deal with it by causing the pain of others. This must make them feel better or they wouldn’t do it. On the other end of the stick, when you’re feeling pain, sometimes going to someone who is also experiencing pain and talking to them about it makes you feel better because you can feel their sympathy.

The one thing that is always true is that you never have a monopoly on pain. Ever. If you assume that you do have a monopoly on pain, you end up sounding obnoxious to other people because you are implying to them that their pain is not legitimate. Everyone’s pain is legitimate, even if it’s all in their head. If they can feel it, then it doesn’t matter what is causing it, no one should dismiss that pain.

This was all spurred on by a dream I had recently wherein I was talking to a friend of mine on a bench in a deserted hallway. This friend was describing to me how they were feeling a constant emotional pain. I’m not sure how the real me would have reacted to this situation, but the dream me responded first by acknowledging that the pain was legitimate. One of the things that I hate the most is when adults dismiss the emotional pain of a teenager because of hormones. Yes, most teenagers get more emotional because of hormones. Yes, it is a bit ridiculous when they feel like they’re the only one who feels pain. Yes, I understand that the pain is really coming from nowhere in particular and that people who focus on their pain in strange ways are… well… BUT, none of this matters because the ridiculous pain that teenagers feel is still pain and it still hurts.

I acknowledged that my friend’s pain was legitimate because, even if I don’t think there’s any reason why they should have been feeling that way, I knew that the pain was still real and I felt sympathy toward my friend. However, I did not merely sympathize with my friend. I am far more dramatic and wise and philosophical when I’m dreaming.

I gave my friend a piece of advice that would have been fabulous if this hadn’t been a dream. I told him that it was okay for him to feel pain, but that he had to figure out how to be okay with being in pain. Trust me, I said it in a much more profound way in the dream.

The thing is that I hate it when people let their emotional and/or physical pain affect their attitude. I’m not very sympathetic when people come to school and act depressed. It’s perfectly fine for them to be depressed, but do they really have to let it have such a dramatic effect? Not to be condescending (or to assume that my pain is more legitimate than anyone else’s pain), but I am in constant physical, and many times emotional, pain and I like to think of myself as a pretty energetic person. This doesn’t mean that anyone who is experiencing less than or an equal amount of pain as me doesn’t have the right to act like they’re in pain, I’m just saying that it doesn’t have to make you miserable.

What I meant in my advice to my friend is that your pain is a fabulous excuse to act miserable, but it’s an excuse that you shouldn’t use. I have a constant headache because of stuff (too lazy to explain said stuff). A lot of people get headaches. A lot of people act reserved or depressed or grumpy when they have headaches. I don’t. I already have a headache, why would I want to deal with acting horrid all the time as well. Instead of dwelling on it through the use of my attitude, I’m okay with it. I obviously don’t love it. No one wants to have a headache for as long as I’ve had a headache, but I’m not miserable because of it (unless I forget to take my drugs, but even then I try REALLY hard not to kill everyone…).

If your kind of pain is depression, acting depressed is actually going to make it worse. Act happy. Maybe you won’t feel completely better, but you may be able to trick your mind a little bit into thinking that you aren’t actually depressed. The same goes for my personal favorite type of emotional pain (*cough* sarcasm *cough*): anxiety. I’ve never had bad depression, so I’m not sure if bad depression can be shook off, so to speak, but I have had bad anxiety (and likely will in the future), so I realize that pretending isn’t always going to work. In the middle of a panic attack, there is no way that you can act unreserved as if everything is totally fine. Everything sucks in so that you can (try to) regain control. With physical pain as well. It gets unbearable. I understand that.

If your pain is unbearable, get help. I don’t care what it is. If your parents don’t believe you, lay down on the floor and wail until they do. No one should live with unbearable pain that can be fixed with professional help.

It’s unlikely that everyone’s pain is of the unbearable variety, however, so I’d say it isn’t necessary for everyone to act like they’re in pain. Although, there is the old, “if you hold in your pain, you will blow up” thing. It’s okay to talk about your pain, it’s okay to  try to fix it. Don’t just live with pain. Even if it isn’t unbearable, you still have the right to try to fix your pain. Do what you have to do, just try not to let your pain define you like it defines some people.

Most people I know, even some of my best friends, don’t know about my pain, for the most part, and they don’t need to. I don’t need their pity or sympathy and I do just fine without it.

Disclaimer: Everyone is different. Everyone has a different way to deal with their pain. I don’t mean to step on anyone’s toes or anything.

(Heck, who am I kidding? No one is reading this anyway) ;P

As all two of my regular readers may know, I have neck problems. Specifically, one or more bulged disks in my spine. I’m not really all that sure of specifics because I only heard what is wrong with me secondhand via my mother and she tends to forget half of the important things that are said. Anyway, I have been going to physical therapy for a month or so now. My therapist is super nice and very hilarious and his secretary/assistant lady is pretty awesome. However, I had an interesting experience when I went to my session today.

At the beginning of my sessions, we do this deep-heat thing and then I lay on heat pads for fifteen-ish minutes. One thing of note: I am very bad at determining the passage of time. For example, when I am laying on heat pads in a small room, staring at the ceiling, and trying not to move; I cannot tell how much time has gone by. Mostly, I am finding the patterns in the holes and things on the ceiling. Today was no different. I stared up at the ceiling and discovered a few cyclopes.

After the fifteen minutes were over, a little timer thingy in the room started to beep. Normally, the therapist comes in a few moments later and turns the thing off and we continue with the stuff. This time, the timer continued to beep for a minute or so and then stopped. I continued to lay, not moving. Eventually, I looked at my phone and determined that almost five minutes had passed since the timer had stopped beeping. I then proceeded to alternately freak out and calm down for the next ten minutes. I figured I’d been forgotten or abandoned or whatever you want to call it.  I kept convincing myself that they would come eventually.

Finally, I got brave enough to crack the door of the room a little bit so that whenever someone would walk by, they would see me laying there and possibly feel sorry for me.

Eventually, my therapist came again and proceeded to press against every sensitive, little knot in my neck. THEN, he made me lay down with a rolled up towel under my neck for ten minutes (supposedly), which really ended up being fifteen because, once again, he didn’t hear the timer when it went off. Fortunately, his assistant was paying attention and rescued me from the total mental breakdown I’m sure would have happened had I been forced to wait any longer.

In conclusion, I have issues. The first step to solving a problem is to realize that you have a problem, right? Suspiciously, no one seems to know what the second step is. Perhaps next time I’ll fake a heart attack to get their attention…