First of all, I have no idea why old people are allowed to knit. It would seem that only old ladies knit or crochet. They shouldn’t be allowed to knit because apparently holding your arms up and working on something in front of you puts a lot of strain on your back and shoulders. I can attest to this because my physical therapist told me not to knit (or do the dishes) because it would make my shoulders sore and he is right. Whenever I spend a lot of time knitting, my shoulders get stiff and hurt. Naturally, I don’t listen to my physical therapist and spend a whole lot of time knitting stuff anyway, but I do everything else he says, so it’s not so terrible… right?

Anyway, recently I have been working on a project that internet-savvy people probably know about: a bearded hat. It’s pretty much a beanie with a knitted beard attached to the front. I’d put a picture here, but I’m lazy. Go Google it.

I did a little bit of research before I started the project to try to scope out what pattern would be the best for what I was imagining in my head. After much Googling, I had decided one thing; a beard that is crocheted would probably look better than one that is knitted. The problem being, of course, that I cannot crochet. I’m pretty sure that I was taught to at one point in my life, but I think I learned to knit four separate times before I stopped forgetting, so my learning to crochet previously was pretty irrelevant.

Instead of trying to wade through my mother’s explanation of amateur crocheting, I turned to my trusty internet to learn how. It took me several days of talking about learning how to crochet before I actually acted on it, but one of the most common things that I heard whilst talking about learning to crochet was that it is easier than knitting.

Knitting is pretty freaking easy, in my opinion, but all of these crocheting people that I spoke to kept saying that it was way too ┬áhard for them. Quite frankly, I didn’t believe them. Only one person made any sense to me, saying that whichever thing you learn first, knitting or crocheting, is the easiest for you to understand.

Apparently the people I talked to had learned to crochet before they’d learned to knit and thus found it harder to knit. This interests me a lot in the same way that languages interest me. When people grow up learning a language that is a different language than English, I find it inconceivable that they can make any sort of sense out of anything. That actually sounds sort of ridiculous when I write it out, but I have a hard time understanding the concept of language in general (which is probably why I find myself so fascinated by it).

Eventually, after buying some supplies, I began my knitting experience. It went terribly. I can understand knit-speak and I can pretty much understand any sort of instructions because I’m familiar with the structure and how the loops of yarn fit together, but even the beginner instructions for crocheting stumped me. The loops didn’t look anything like the loops in knitting and I had no way to identify what loop was being talked about. I’m never really impressed with the quality of videos, so I didn’t go into video tutorials. What I need is to find one of my old-lady neighbors and have them teach me how to crochet things. Or I could just pay one of them to crochet me a beard.

I did finally find a pattern for knitting a beard that I don’t hate, but it’s a little uneven and I had to change the pattern a little bit. Unfortunately, the person I’m giving this bearded hat to thinks I’m a genius, but he’s also an extremely evolved individual that will probably be able to handle the fact that I am kind of a failure at doing things.